Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Top 16 things on my mind at 41 weeks pregnant

Many have been inquiring as to why I have not written, how I am feeling, where is the bean etc. So the below is my attempt to answer all questions as succinctly as possible.

Top things I have learned in the past 5 days (since the bean was officially due).

1.) It is possible to get larger than you were at 39 and even 40 weeks

2.) Any weight gained after 40 weeks is not officially allowed to be added to total pregnancy weight gain total. Furthermore, anyone who had a baby before 40 weeks needs to take total weight gain total, divide by # of weeks she was pregnant and multiply this number by 40. This is the true pregnancy total weight gain. *Note - if you like to talk about how you gained only 20 lbs or less this number should be multiplied by 2

3.) Some of my friends and acquaintances lie about pregnancy weight gain, over exaggerate pregnancy complications and all in all like to "one up" one another about all that is child birth. This completely perplexes me. As women, we compete with one another as adolescents for dates, for grades, for colleges. We go on to compete with one another as well as men for jobs, promotions and everything encompassing health, wealth and love. Why are we competing as to who pushed the longest, tore the largest, waited the longest to take drugs etc. Aren't some things sacred?

4.) It is possible to exist sleeping no more than 1 hour at a clip due to walrus shaped physique and ping pong ball sized bladder.

5.) Co-workers and bosses can be incredibly kind when you least expect it and allow you to rest at home.

6.) The same co-workers can then turn panicky when they can't easily locate a simple answer the following day.

7.) All car seats are not created equally nor are the all compatible with strollers.

8.) FTD really needs to bulk up if I am ever going to have a bean 2. This can be muscle or fat - I am not picky, I just need some sized XL t shirts to steal to feel small. Size M men's t shirts do not due bean any justice.

9.) People are incredibly nosey in public and feel it their right to ask you all about your pregnancy and tell you all about theirs when you are walrus shaped. *Note* I did get digits from a man who was a soldier in Korea after such a conversation.

10.) Contractors suck and FTD really should take over all communication with them before I go hormonal on all of them.

11.) Men who clean up mold for a living also clean up murder scenes.

12.) One can exist with only two pairs of pants that fit.

13.) Raspberry tea does not induce labor

14.) Walking 2.5 miles a day does not induce labor

15.) Pineapple does not induce labor

16.) Foot massages do not induce labor

17.) Bean may or may not meet Grandfather on her birthday weekend due to cold and possibly SuperBowl.

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